HAPPILY EVER NOT

“This is packing paper, it is used to fill the space between the fuel and he blast cap. When the bomb detonates this paper is ejected through the barrel before it fully combusts, it is ejected shredded but never completly burnt, it is not used for making weapon’s grade bombs though but the bombs are still sufficient to do enough damage.” That’s me actually investigating a crime scene; actually a bomb blast. so apart from being a pharmacist I also investigate for the SSS in my spare time as a consultant detective.

It is 5.30am, I am up with a terrible headache from all d alcohol consumed at the bachelor’s eve, and Raphael is not in his room, actually he’s nowhere to be found. He is not missing at least because his phone is still ringing and he can’t afford to miss today. The guys at the hotel reception said they did not see him leave, neither did the security guys and his car is still where we parked it.

I finally receive a text from him but it is more confusing than surprising. “MEET ME AT TEMPERANCE, THAT HOTEL AT OTA, ABEG NO TELL ANYBODY”. I am actually going to pick up my wallet and car keys, but I am hoping this is some form of prank from Raphael. Why is he at ota, or could something have suddenly gone wrong? Or is it change in plans?

Today is actually the Saturday, and it’s Raphael’s wedding day; he’s getting married to Ada today. I Haven’t seen a better couple than Ada and Raphael! They look beautiful together, they do similar things and even have similar hobbies,the fit each other snuggly like a perfect size glove. Raphael met Ada at a dance competition, afterwards in other dance competitions they registered as a couple and Oh boy!, the way they moved together when they danced!, they won so many competitions afterwards! People loved this couple. Let me not even get started on friday nights at the club with “Ralphda”, always in each other’s arms dancing for us the mediocre dancers to watch (I am actually a very good dancer. School stiffened my waist a little, but I am still maltina dance all grade sha).

So I have been around this couple for the past 7 years. Ralph was my roommate and my classmate in the university, sometimes I had to sleep in class when Ada came around, yeah right *rme* they alwayd had some routine to rehearse so I gave them space. abegi I wasn’t just up for hearing someone screaming “ralph faster” in the middle of my sleep joor; yeah and after uni we rented a house together at magodo, though he works with GSK while i work at a community pharmacy, gives me more time as a freelance detective (don’t beef).

So fast forward approximately 75minutes, it was a miracle I didn’t dose off behind the wheel, Thank God!. I am at the bar at temperance sitting opposite Raphael looking at his eyes for answers, it’s obvious he has being crying,this has to be serious then o, but I just waited for Him to say something. Then he drops the bombshell “I CANT MARRY ADA, SHES BEEN CHEATING ON ME”. Do I say am stunned, “What the f#*@*!”. I really don’t know how I felt but I quickly ran to the bar to get a big bottle of water, I needed to clear my head before I look at what is on the phone he just passed to me. So it’s actually Ada’s phone, I remember her looking for it all the while we were at Rhapsody drinking yesterday evening. So it has been with him all the while, and we thought she lost it in the saloon, no wonder he was so quiet, I actually thought it was mere cold feet; yeah it was cold feet but nothing mere about this one o.

So we dealing with two bombs here, one is the bomb that exploded yesterday morning which Raphael found out and the other is about to go down in the church when the news breaks that there is no more wedding. Both bombs utilised the same packing paper RAPHAEL, I look in his eyes and I see that my friend is burnt and shredded he isn’t just completely dead.

So all the while Raphael sat across Ada in d bar yesterday, he looked at her face and he saw persons, he was actually asking himself how the angel and the demon manage to stay together within her without outwardly showing the inner battles, guess she had found a way to keep them on the same side; because Ada is really an angel, she is wife material 1000 yards and best friend mixed in one. In school the so called rich yahoo boys always said they couldn’t get her because the babe was too faithful to Raphael. Ada was everything a nigga wanted in a wife but right now I had no clue what to say to her defence, I honestly still want to keep eating those her delicacies cos am still very much single, well just for the next 6 months max sha, and I know Raphael’s house is my house.

So am done reading this long chat and its obvious Ada is having an affair but something is still not clear. Then Raphael says to me Bobby “do you get the big picture now?” and I am still trying to put all the pieces together because something isn’t just clear yet. Then he tells me to look at the display name and dp, the name is smallie. I am still confused and then I enlarge the display picture and it is Sarah.

Raphael always calls Sarah smallie because of her small frame, she has a big booty to go with it and is also a very good dancer. You need to see her twerk! So sarah and Ada are lesbians, actually they lesbian partners, no wonder the chat was confusing Ada is the man in thier relationship. At this point, the pounding in my head gets worse.

SARAH IS YOURS SINCERELY’S GIRLFRIEND, I PLANNED TO PROPOSE DURING THE WEDDING TODAY AND IT WAS ADA’S IDEA.

So there was a third bomb and this time Ralph and I are the packing paper, but I think this is weapon’s grade.

Now I’m sure you’re wondering how these three bombs exploded and how the rest of this supposedly beautiful saturday went……well you are just going to imagine that for a while

 
P.S Dont google packing paper.
 
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MAAMA

Maama! That is what I called her. She was my best friend; she even called to laugh at me whenever chelsea lost a football match. I remember her words when we discussed choosing UNIBEN over Covenant University. “MUM DOESN’T KNOW BEST, BUT MUM WANTS BEST, SO LETS TALK ABOUT IT”, she said. Whenever daddy started his ‘scold therapy’ she would go behind him and keep gesturing to me to be quiet and allow him talk and go. I wonder what popsi would have done if he had ever caught her.

Ebuka, my most reliable friend tells you everything would be fine, even when he knows it would never be. He constantly lied to me that he heard they were going to upgrade my results in 300 level; he knew I knew he was lying but he just didn’t want me to be depressed. He’s a wonderful guy, extremely smart pharmacist……. But I hate him.

Amaka…… Tall and beautiful. She loves life and mat-ice ice cream. I still have feelings for her. I do not know if it is because she is now a beauty queen in Ghana or because she is the only one that all my bullshit always seems funny to. She hugged me when the news first broke and I would never forget that hug; partly because of her big breasts though. She is the perfect poster girlfriend; the type that toyota recommended to sit on the front seat to complete the beauty of the car. I actually hate amaka too.

A while ago, maama gave me the keys to the new Sienna behind popsi’s back when popsi had initially insisted on me picking Etse up with a bike. Etse is my little sister, the last born; she’s adorable, my angel. She is in a boarding house now, a testament to the fact that I was long overdue as a student, but well I am a pharmacist now (did I hear u say congrats? Well thanks). Oya back to the matter! Popsi almost knelt on one knee when he said, “this my new sienna na all my money I take buy am, I no wan hear say body sweet you naim you drive am”.

I used to rank amongst the worst top ten drivers, but I never scratched that car. The very first time it travelled, it never came back; the picture of the car was one hell of a bad Kodak moment. Uncountable times I drove that car beyond my speed limit, sometimes under the influence of cold Guinness stout just because I was young and adventurous, but never a scratch. The photograph still wakes me up sweating profusely.

I spent all of about twelve hours preparing for the news that I already knew; no one told me but I knew, yet I waited to hear it. How would I tell myself, how was I gonna deliver the message to myself, how will I make myself cry? Someone just had to break the news again, someone just had to say it out loud for me to process and mark the beginning of my crying. It was just that there was no one to say with enough conviction, “it’s ok,clean your eyes,bobby”. They sent uncle C, he gathered all the boys in the house to hold slim me before breaking the news. That was not necessary because the look in my eyes even chased them away.

So which is worse? Losing you or you not being around to share in these success stories of now. Well, your children are doing fine; Queen is now married with two kids, Etse is now in secondary school, Michael would be a graduate in a few months, and Junior is now a full fledged man with a car and a house of his own. Maama. I am now a pharmacist! You actually gave everything you had to ensure I ruled, but now I wear a crown but I have lost my jewel.

Amaka and Ebuka, thanks for all the support and love. When everyone else said, “I know how u feel, she is in a better place” like that was meant to console me, when they could as well say, “she is gone and you won’t see her again because people don’t come back from heaven”. You guys just made sure I smiled everyday. Ebuka, u actually physically saved me from suicide, I am sorry bro, I may have killed you too that day. All those times people talked about their mums around me and you signalled them to keep quiet because of me I actually noticed and it hurt. I wish you never did that, actually I hate when u do that, its sad. I was kidding when I said I hate you guys, I love you a lot (Ebuka, no homo) 

RIP MAAMA. IS THERE A NUMBER TO REACH U UP THERE? NO MATTER HOW BAD THE NETWORK MAY BE I WOULD KEEP TRYING, I WOULD EXERCISE MORE PATIENCE THAN AN ARSENAL FAN. I MISS YOU BESTIE.

P.S- Dear Heaven,
       DOES SHE MISS ME TOO?